One year ago…

This morning my class let out early and rather than do work, I took mental break and went back to least year…  One year ago (March 30), I was awarded tenure.  One year ago we had just painted the house.  One year ago I was still pregnant.  One year ago it was all so much easier!

The twins are 9 1/2 months old and I am tired!!  Last night was a very hard night.  Poor Spencer slept like a log until 1:30am and then had the hardest time falling and staying asleep.  Emily coming into our bed has become almost routine.  And Sidney, well, she generally sleeps through the night in her own crib.  All I can say about her is that she is so funny!  One year ago I was so afraid of dividing my time, energy , and love equally.  I still am.  One year ago I was devastated at the thought of letting any of my children down.  I still am.  One year ago I was clueless as to how I was going to do this.  I still am.  One year ago I was so scared.

Now there is much more than fear.  Because now I have these three little people to adore, who adore me back.  Yes, Emily can get super clingy and yes there are times that it drives me batty.  Yes, 3:30 is a bad time to be changing a sheet (spit up, by the way, my first ever middle of the night sheet change, pretty good if I do say so myself), changing a diaper, cleaning up the resulting mid diaper change pee, changing the outfit (I used to be able to change Sidney’s diaper without her waking up…), sigh…  but for those few minuets that Spencer slept in my arms, I was in heaven.

Sometimes that smile makes not sleeping worth it… Sometimes… This is one of those times.

Now, I walk into the day care to get my kids and each one has a fabulous greeting for me.  Like today, Emily ran to me with outstretched arms for a huge hug.  I was so tired after last night and that hug was just the best thing to happen all day!  And when she and I went down to the baby room, Sidney saw me before I saw her, but I heard her.  She was laying on the floor (likely after rolling all over the room), staring at me, waving her arms and kicking her legs, smiling great big, and yelling and laughing.  Too cool!  Spencer was finishing a bottle and abandoned it completely for a massive grin and a hug.  I was so worried about being able to love all three, and about loving the babies as much as I love Emily.  Now I get it.  I was so worried about bonding with Sidney after not even knowing that she was born.  Not a problem.  I was worried about Emily’s adjustment, and I still am.  I worry that the clingness is directly related to the babies.  But then Emily (Emily last year) says things like, “Sidney knows how to sit, I am so proud of her”, and this evening she fed Spencer his dinner.

There is a new rule in our house; the gate at the top at the stairs has to be closed at all times if Sidney is upstairs and on the floor.  This morning I brought Spencer downstairs to get strapped into the car seat leaving Em and Sidney up to play.  I forgot to close the gate.  Emily saw this and stood holding the gate and wall, in case Sidney came near the stairs.  Emily knows how to open and close the gate, but chose this way of protecting her sister.  It was so touching.  All you have to do is look at these kids to see how much they love and care for each other.

It is not at all uncommon to find Sidney under things. She loves to play under cribs. But this was her first time under a bouncy seat.

The other day someone called me “Super Mom”, referring to the twins.  I am not “Super Mom” (although I would love to be a super mom), I am a mom, like any other mom.  I think all moms are “Super Moms”.  I am luckier than many, I know that.  I may have a lot of kids in my house, but they are all healthy and happy.  Our NICU time was nothing, and I even saw it as a blessing really.  Time to heal from my own complications during delivery, time to heal from the birth itself, time to adjust to these 2 little people, and time with Emily.  Our home is full of kids, and toys, and more stuffed friends than anyone needs, ever, and love.  Even in the craziness, our home is stuffed full of love.  Giant smiles from Sidney as she rolls past on a mission to get a toy (and chew on it).  Giant smiles from Spencer while he figures out how to make a toy make music all by himself.  Giant smiles from Emily as she sits in her bedroom chair holding 1 or 2 babies, or laying with them on her bed.  Whatever else happens, these kids all love each other so much!  And somehow, despite my fears, I love them all too.


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