I don’t want to remember

but apparently my brain is dead set on not letting me forget.

I have been having really intense dreams that are leading to recollections about my babies first 24 hours of life.  I am still upset that I completely missed my babies first 24 hours of life.  I know they were not aware that I was missing and they won’t be traumatized or anything, but Spencer, Sidney,  something in me wants you to know the details.

I remember every detail of your birth Spencer.  I remember the doctor’s telling D to leave the room, and a discussion with the anesthesiologist about using the epidural or general anesthesia.  He aid it would take him 10 minutes and the doctor said, “well, I am holding the knife and ready to go”.  Then the put a mask over my mouth and nose.  I remember telling the nurse I was scared and she held my hand.

Then I woke up, and the nightmare started.

I now remember so much more from those 24 hours.  D was standing by my head and there were machines near me and what seemed like a lot of people.   I think (this is not in the dream) that someone told me Sidney was born and was in the NICU but doing fine, just like her brother.  Then I got a headache.  Not your average run of the mill, garden variety headache, a seriously painful headache.  I started saying “bad headache, worse than labor” (or some variety of that) trying to get help.  And I remember D saying, “she is saying she has a headache”.

The next thing I remember is starting to shake.  And a nurse trying to get my temperature, every way imaginable and not able to.  She told me I was too cold.  I do remember thinking that I was hot, not cold, but she covered me in this air mattress like thing.  I remember her attaching a hose to it, and it inflating.  Even now I can feel the warmth and coziness as the heat warmed my core.  I also was able to stop shaking.

The next thing I remember is the nurse telling me that I gave them a scare.  I was no longer in the warm air thing and no longer shaking.

I got more details a few hours later, when my nurse filled me in…  that I would be, in her words, “out of the woods” after 24 hours, and that they were watching me for brain seizures.

But here is the thing – none of this really hit me until last night.   Last night I was straightening up and saw my hospital discharge papers.  Home for 2 weeks seems like a good time to check out my discharge instructions.  But I also saw the report on my babies birth and their discharge papers.  I don’t think we got these at all for Emily.  The paperwork for Spencer was routine, fairly boring, simple.  The report on Sidney scared me.  It was not good. It is all good NOW, but it was not good then.

Every day I am so grateful for everything I have.  For my fabulous husband, for our amazing 3 year old, for our home, for our community, for our family, and now, for the miracle that kept Sidney and me healthy through this entire nightmare.  I am so grateful that the nightmares are over.  Now that I have remembered, the dreams seem to have stopped, hopefully for good.  I don’t need to relive it.  It kills me that my tiny baby girl was in distress and now only was I not conscious for it, but I could not help her.  For now, the papers will be filed away.  Someday she might find them interesting to read, and it helps to know that she will have a long, healthy, happy life in which to read these papers.

Sidney is now the picture of perfect health, thank goodness!

She does not scare us anymore!

edit – I had my 2 week incision check with the OB that delivered the babies and learned so much more.  She told me that they did think Sidney was breech, but when she reached in to deliver her, expecting to grab feet, she instead grabbed hands.  And her own hand came out covered in blood, indicating that the placenta had at least started to separate.  Then Sidney’s heart rate started falling and that was when I heard her say, “I have the knife in position and I am ready”.  She told me that she could not have waited for the epidural to be strong enough so she went with general anesthesia and I do remember the anesthesiologist telling her the epi would be 10 minutes and her saying she did not have that much time.

At this point I asked her if my going into labor early saved Sidney’s life and she said no, this was all a result of labor.  But then she told me something more.  They sent the cord blood out for testing, from both the vein and the artery.  The tests came back to show that Dr. D did the exact right thing and we were a heartbeat away from Sidney not getting enough oxygen.  So add to that list above.  I am beyond grateful for Dr. D, her quick thinking and her saving my baby from a fate I cannot even imagine.  Ironically, she said she was grateful to me and D and that it was a huge help to her that we both stayed so calm and let them do their work.  I feel anything but calm right now.  I feel very shaky and on edge, and this all happened nearly 3 weeks ago!  Ignorance is bliss after all!

(oh and I have lost 40 lbs in the last 2 weeks 🙂 )


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