Are we messing with perfection?

This blog started off as my own pregnancy journal and then quickly became Emily’s baby book.  Then it morphed again into chairs.  Oh how I miss chairs.  I miss the hunt, I miss Habitat Restore SO much, I miss the refinishing, picking out fabric and the black spray paint.  But I am not allowed to paint for a for more months (plus it has been too cold, but today is a perfect day to get outside and refinish a chair though… sigh…).  Anyway, I digress…

It is Sunday night and we had a crazy weekend!  D was in India all week and we missed him so much but my fabulous mother in law was a gem/lifesaver and we got through the week.  He got home Saturday around 7am and the whirlwind weekend began.  But I do have to give him a shout out – a huge time difference, exhaustion, jet jag and the time change all in one day!

But back to Sunday night.  We just finished a fabulous family dinner.  D grilled steaks, I roasted baby red potatoes and made a corn/pea concoction, and we enjoyed our meal with the roasted garlic herb (with herbs fresh from our herb garden) bread that D and Em made this afternoon.  Fun family dinner traditions, fabulous food, amazing bread (seriously, it was ready 10 minutes into dinner, and personally I had mine with butter and honey and it was SO good!), and fin conversations (because it is impossible to not have a fun conversation with Em around).  I am not kidding or exaggerating or anything when I say that my life is perfection.  I am married to my best friend and soul mate.  Our daughter is fabulous, gorgeous, happy, smart, (ok, can be a wise ass), and most of all, healthy.  You know that I adore living in this fairy tale house.  If I look to my right I can see the lilac tree thinking about budding and birds enjoying our bird feeder.  Emily just used the potty and is playing happily.

I was thinking about all this while I was washing dishes (and I enjoy washing dishes).  Em and D were playing in the family room with her doctor kit.  “Daddy lay like this” (and she demonstrates every time for him to lay on his stomach while she examines him with her cold hands which leads to much laughter).  By the way, he us now sporting a plastic bandaid on his arm.  And it is 1221 (one two two one) o’clock on Em’s arm, according to the blood pressure cuff that also tells you the time on someone’s arm.  While I was listening to this and doing the dishes I was thinking about all of this perfection.

I have been pregnant with just about 21 weeks (Em at 21 weeks) now.  So far in this blog, I have only alluded to my pregnancy.  We went public January 1 with Em wearing her Big Sister t-shirt.  She loves that shirt!  And she seems to understand what is happening.  But really, all you need to do is look at me and you can tell!  But there is one thing we haven’t shared on this blog yet.

 

Here is the thing.  This is an easy post to write up to this point.  Em knows and shares with everyone and I love that.  But that doesn’t stop the apprehension.  I am worried.  I am very worried.  Em has been the center of our universe for 3 years and 16 days.  For 1111 days. For 26,664 hours, 95,990,400 seconds (as of typing this post).  (Yes, I am a nerd, but yes, I did Google that).  How do you go from that to sharing the attention?  And this is quite the attention to share!  You know, everyone told me that I would never remember Emily’s early days/weeks/months.  They were SO wrong!  I remember those nights before nursing really clicked.  I remember a lot of crying (and Em cried a lot to). I remember feeling SO overwhelmed.  And really, I had nothing else to worry about.

But here is the thing.  First of all, Em is fabulous with babies and baby dolls (other than carrying them by their shirts and banging their heads that is…).   But maybe more importantly, she is fabulous with me!  Last night was hard.  First of all, I was feeling huge, bloated, crappy, and fat.  I sailed through my pregnancy with Em, no issues, no problems.  This one is harder, much harder!  And not only because I have a toddler….  But yesterday I had a mini meltdown over the whole balance thing and told her the truth.  I am scared.  I did not tell her that I am scared of her feeling left out or that I am scared of taking time away from her or anything, but that I am scared of everything changing.  And she gave me the biggest hug and patted my back until I felt calmer.  She sat (squished) on my lap and cuddled me.

The thing is, right now we have perfection.  And I want to hold on to that so badly!  Yes, I know things will be SO hard, and things are hard now, and were hard with Em, but the overall picture – the bigger picture is still one of perfection.  So, in my calm moments, I cannot wait to see Emily as a big sister.  She already loves cuddling with babies (real ones and dolls).  She will be the best big sister ever!  But in my freak out hormonal moments, I am still scared.  The good news is that the calm is FAR outweighing the scared, and as I get farther alone, I seem to be mastering the ability to stay calm.  Or I am blocking everything else out 🙂

And to answer the big question, NO, I am absolutely NOT starting a new blog.  This blog is more than just Emily’s baby-hood, so one blog will cover everyone!  Because as Emily says, Mommy you have to share, sharing is ‘portant.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s