There are just no words

Dear Emily,

For the past 3 years the country has been obsessed with a trial.  A 2 year old girl died and her mother was charged with her murder.  A string of odd events led everyone (except the impartial criminal justice system) to prejudge her as obviously guilty.  Yesterday a  jury found her not guilty.  I am still stunned.  You may or may not read about this case when you get older.  You may or may not care.  But I want you to know my feelings because those will never change.

Emily I have start by being honest with you.  Occasionally your daddy and I do reminisce about the “old days”.  About sleeping in, about doing nothing, about going out at night, about movies…  But we would never trade what we have for anything in the world!  The little girl that died was just about your age.  I just can’t even imagine.  I can’t image life without you.  I can’t imagine not having conversations like this one (although I would not complain if it happened closer to 6am that 5am 🙂 ):

5:20am, rocking and snuggling in Em’s room

Emmy: Want to sleep in mommy’s bed.

Mommy: But I have a feeling we won’t do much sleeping.

Emmy: no mommy, all done sleeping

Mommy: OK, let’s go into mommy’s bed

Once we were both snuggled against the pillows

Emmy: little talk

Mommy: You want to have a little talk?

Emmy: yes

Mommy: What should we talk about

Emmy: hmmmm, 14.

and we did – we had a conversation about the number 14.  We also had conversations about doggies, and Daddy and dresses.  (Today’s talks were brought to you by the letter D).

I LOVE LOVE LOVE 2!  This is the best age!  yes, we have our issues, but Emily, you are generally so much fun!  I love the things you say (last night at dinner you kept saying, “need more coffee” and going to your kitchen to get it, but no one in our house drinks coffee!).  I love the things you do.  I love our big hugs and little huggies.  I love how our big hugs are the “big hug EVER”.  I love how devoted you are to your friends (monkey, owl, baby, etc) and your live friends (last night you said Baby Ryan was your favorite).  I love how funny you are, your laugh, your smile, your cuddles. I love your phrases like “um, yeah, sure!”.  Yes, I can remember the days of blissful nothing, but they were just that – nothing.  They didn’t have those laughs and tickles and giggles and funny 2 year old logic.  They didn’t have Elmo, or Big Bird, or Grover.  They didn’t have painting, and chalk on the driveway, or bubbles.  They didn’t have anything!

Now maybe I am luckier than most.  I don’t know.  I look at my life and I have to pinch myself.  I feel so blessed every day.  I am married to the most amazing man ever and we have the world’s most beautiful baby girl ever!  I love our life.  I love my job, my hobbies, my friends, and OMG I wrote a book!  Our life is truly charmed.  Yes there are things I would like to change (I wish your daddy’s’ commute was MUCH shorter and that you would sleep until 5:30am 🙂 ), but they are minor really.  Every time I drive down our street and pull into our driveway I cannot believe that we truly live in this fairy tale cottage house where all our dreams come true.  I love laying in bed with you and your daddy on weekend mornings.  I even love cuddling you through boo boos and nightmares.  I can’t imagine living any other life or doing anything to jeopardize this life.  I can’t imagine life without you and your daddy ever.  And I don’t want to.  And that really, I think, is the point of this trial.  That woman could imagine life without her baby girl.  And whether she did something mean to her baby or not is not our concern.  How I feel about the jury’s decision is not relevant right now.  What is relevant is how much your daddy and I love you.

Emily you need to know that mommy and daddy love you more than anything in the world and we will NEVER EVER let anything bad happen to you.  And if anything does happen, we will always be there with hugs and boo boo bunnies and band aids and kisses.  Because even if we could ever go back to “before” we would never ever want to.  Because even at 5:30 (5:20, 4:30… sigh), you are the best thing to ever happen to me and daddy and that is why every night at bedtime I ask you who my bestest buddy is and you always answer, Emily!  Because you are my bestest buddy and I love you so much little girl.


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